Monday, March 30, 2009

The Grip of Databases!

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order ."

Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose Smart Card number, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on .... 6102049998-45- 54610"

Operator: "OK ... you're .. Mr Perera and you're calling from Dhehiwela. Perera. Your home number is 4123456, your office 76543210 and your mobile is 077 1234567. "

Customer: "How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator: "We are connected to the Main CRM system Sir"

Customer: "I want Seafood Pizza .."

Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "Why?????!"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and an even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What? ... What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know I will like it?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK, I give up .. Give me three family sized ones then. How much will that cost?

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs.985/-"

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank Rs.13,929.55 since October last year" "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator: "You can't Sir.. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it by your motorcycle.. "

Customer: " What???????? !"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,... registration number BE1123 "

Customer: "*'!^ *#?@%^**%^I7*"

Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language at a policeman"

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing ... by the way .. aren't you giving me that 3 Free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also a diabetic ..... "

Customer :?......?... ..?...*.. *.....??. .* . **.......... ?**. *???.

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